Tuesday 10: My J.Lo Problem

Despite my best intentions, I have a well-documented inability to resist a handful of things that are potentially embarrassing and may be of somewhat questionable quality. At our house, we call this “having a problem,” as in “I have a well-known whipped cream problem.”

In no particular order, the main offenders are:
whipped cream
an open bag of Baked Lay’s
a twisty, windy stone staircase (particularly appealing if I can’t see the top)
even the most mundane paperback copy of Jane Eyre
the songs Black Betty by Ram Jam and Tom Sawyer by Rush
the movie Jaws
the gestalt that is Jennifer Lopez

Don’t judge.

The 10 Reasons I Have a Jennifer Lopez Problem

1. The Nautica Malibu Triathlon.
J. Lo. competed in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in 2008, six months after giving birth to her twins. That race  is the real deal: a 1/2-mile swim in the ocean, an 18-mile bike ride, and a 4-mile run. Sure, J.Lo probably had a small army of nutritionists and trainers to help her prepare, but when you’re flopping around in the ocean, or cranking the pedals on the bike, or slogging through those last leaden miles of the run, no one can do it for you. She did it. Herself. In 2 hours, 23 minutes, and 28 seconds. I was really impressed then, and I still think it’s very cool. [Read more at People and in my previous post about the triathlon.]

2. The Fug Girls and Hola, Lovers!

I almost blame the writers at Go Fug Yourself for my J.Lo affliction because of the persona they’ve created for her. They made me love her… and it’s a fake her! Most of the time, instead of writing their usual fashion mockery about what she’s wearing, they craft a monologue in J.Lo’s “voice” that is breathtakingly fabulous. Here’s a snippet:

They even have an “Hola, Lovers!” tag. Fabu!

3. Judging on American Idol

I’d finally, blessedly broken my addiction to watching American Idol, until J.Lo became a judge. Then I had to tune in every week to see (a) what she was wearing, and (b) she how she handled the contestants. I’ll admit it: I was completely charmed my J.Lo on that show. And this? This is the whipped coconut milk on top of a berry parfait:

4. Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, Out of Sight

Call me a sucker and maybe say I have lousy taste in movies, but I was charmed by her in these movies, too. Her smile emits light like a movie marquee, and underneath her girly giggle, there’s a little steel. Plus, I like a movie where the girl gets the boy, even it is silly and unrealistic. Real life is real enough, no?

5. On the Floor
This video had alternate scenes and fans voted to select the final cut. I love the ego and self confidence of that. Rock on, J. Lo.


6. Waiting for Tonight
I have never, ever in my life had this much fun going dancing. But I like to pretend a steamy night like this might exist for me somewhere.


7. The American Music Awards
This was perfect. It was right around the time J.Lo and Marc Anthony were splitting up, and I love the way she let the world know that she hadn’t lost her sass.

8. The MTV Movie Awards

The outfit! The dancing! The sense of humor! I was smitten.

9. Follow the Leader
There was a time when I was convinced I was going to get good at parkour; you can read about some of my adventures here and here (scroll to the links at the bottom). This video makes me want to revisit that goal.

10. “Dance Again” on American Idol
This is a two-fer. First, there’s the performance that was so J.Lo-esque, it went right off the chart and circled back around again. Second, there’s the Fug Girls reaction to the performance in their blog. LOVE! Watch the video and stick around ’til the end…

… then go to the Fug Girls post and revel in the snark. My favorite lines: “…why does he think I care about having confetti in my hair? I live my life like I have confetti in my hair all of the TIME, lovers.”

Turn it up to 11!
Why has Jennifer captured my heart? Is it the triathlon? Her title of World’s Most Beautiful Woman? The Fug Girls Hola, Lovers voice? The fact that she’s 43 and gets fitter and prettier every year? Is it my desire to live my life like I have confetti in my hair all of the time? Or it as simple as an outfit like this?

On Thursday night, in celebration of finishing my Dummies manuscript, the completion of the Whole30 Daily project, and the start of our working vacation in Philadelphia (come see me!), we’re going to a Jennifer Lopez concert in San Antonio. I created the ultimate J.Lo playlist to listen to obsessively from now until then — and on Thursday, I’m wearing a gold dress and lots of eyeliner. Olé, olé.

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29 Responses to “Tuesday 10: My J.Lo Problem”

  1. Ellen says:

    Just when I think I can’t love you anymore, I discover you are a closet J.Lo fan!!! AAGGHHH! I love her. Seriously think she’s the prettiest woman on earth. And she DOES get better year after year. How does she DO that?
    Can’t wait to hear about the concert. OMG.

  2. Andrea says:

    No judgement here, I love J.Lo and whipped cream too…
    She is seriously awesome and beautiful…

  3. I loved her in the Wedding Planner, such a cute movie! :)

  4. sizzle says:

    My mini crush on her just got full blown thanks to this post. I hope you have a fantastic time at her show! Her music definitely makes me want to get on the floor. 😉

  5. Ms jane says:

    Right. Well. I didn’t realise it until now but I think I may need a jLo intervention too. I guess tho I never really got the Marc Anthony thing. Or her latest fella?? Her only weak point perhaps?

  6. Kari says:

    Did you forget about ‘Selena’??? This is my oldest and favorite JLo performance over all!

  7. Carbzilla says:

    Waiting for Tonight is one of the greatest frivolous songs ever! Please please post your J. Lo songlist. I’m so jealous! I’m seeing Madonna in Oct but sorta just to cross her off my diva list.

  8. Avonna says:

    Hahaha!!! Love J-Lo! I’ve seen all of her movies 4-5 times, loved that Mother in Law one with Jane Fonda. Hilarious!!

    There needs to be a statue made of her, like David.

    I thought she was so down to earth on American Idol and I will miss her. :(

    Just watched “Wedding Planner” the other night for the 8th time or something!

  9. Jen says:

    I love this! That’s so sweet of you to post this fan love-letter to J. Lo. You’re so awesome!!! I loved Out of Sight–she and GC were soooooo funny in that. I wish I could be that sexy. I watched Maid in Manhattan more than once. It’s funny that Ralph Fiennes was in a movie like that.
    But, seriously, if you make whipped cream out of grass-fed cow’s milk it’s pretty good for you! Especially with berries! Maybe not as good as that fat on your grilled wild-caught salmon or your homemade vinaigrette, but pretty good!

  10. Nicole says:

    I think we love her cause she does it all and she does it well and she seems so nice despite it all. I can’t say I understand her taste in men, but to each his own. haha she’s just all that and a bag of chips. haha and as for the whip cream. i knew i liked you. and i wondered if you had any weaknesses as i know i do. one of them is whip cream. I used to have a cat named BUD who would literally run when he heard me get the whip cream out of the fridge. he was a bigger fanatic than me. I think it’s the little things in life that make us happy. paleo or no, i will always have to have a little whip once in a while.:)

  11. Melanie says:

    You are hilarious! I would love to hate J.Lo but she’s so darn pretty! And she seems like such a nice person. Ugh! Thanks for sharing your J.Lo problem and have fun at her concert!

  12. Lydia says:

    I *always* have that much fun when I go out dancing! Obviously we need to hit some clubs together some day.

  13. Christina K. says:

    Another J.Lo fan checking in. I question her choice in men, but everything else about her is damn near perfect.

  14. Harmony says:

    OMG If I didn’t already obsessively love you for your yummy paleo recipes and your awesome sass, this would put me over the edge. I love J. Lo, and Out of Sight, so hot hot hot.

  15. Roberta says:

    I love this blog! Maybe one of my all time favorites of yours. I don’t have a JLo problem (or, well I didn’t before I read this blog), but I have similar issues! They are good problems to have!

  16. Mel says:

    1. Yes, her tastes in men is baffling… although Casper is hot, I’ll give her that.

    2. Whipped cream. From the can. Into my mouth. No lie.

    3. I have no idea how she seems to age in reverse.

    4. Thank you all for making me see I’m not alone in my J.Lo problem.

    5. I will definitely share stories and photos from the concert tomorrow night.

    6. Lydia! Yes to dancing.

  17. Kelly R says:

    I want the secrets behind JLo’s ability to only get better with age. Her body is ridiculous. Her music is addicting. And her dancing is incredible.

    I have a JLo problem too. :)

  18. Sarah Bayless says:

    Jlo does Tracy Anderson is the main reason I like her 😉

  19. Nicole says:

    yup. whip cream, straight from the can. NOT the sissy stuff like cool whip. haha

  20. Kitty says:

    Mel, have you got one of these Jayne Eyre graphic novels? I’ve got the Henry V full text one. It’s awesome, you have no idea.

    • Mel says:

      I *do* have that book… in my collection of, like, 20 versions of Jane Eyre. Thanks for thinking of me! I love when y’all point me to different copies of Jane!

  21. Ms Judy says:

    Love this…I no longer feel guilty about loving all those adorable J.Lo movies!

  22. Californiaesque says:

    J. Lo’s fabulini makeup in “The Wedding Planner” put me on a perpetual quest for the perfect “natural look” makeup products and application techniques. She is a lovely woman and I adore how she exudes physical strength.

  23. Serena says:

    This made my day. I love JLO too!

  24. Adria says:

    I thought she was great in “Out of Sight” but I never really got her. Sure she’s fabulously beautiful and strong, but she’s famous, and that’s not so exceptional. I don’t generally listen to dance music.

    But between the TRIATHLON and the carefully curated selection of video AWESOME and the PARKOUR and the dudes rapping in Spanish (which I find completely charming even though I only speak Chinese as a second language) and the Fugly Voice I have love in my heart for J. Lo now, too!

    So, thank you for opening my eyes to some new wonderfulness.

  25. Jackie says:

    OMG I just did that with the whipping cream from the can…had it leftover in the fridge from when the kids had a sleepover on the weekend & made rootbeer floats. Cannot have certain things in the house…so glad I’m not the only one. Feeling guilty….I’ve been eating so well and LOVING all my whole, real, paleo foods.
    LOL on all the JLo stuff! She’s awesome.

  26. Connie says:

    “Hola lovers” posts are the Fug Girls at their finest. I too have J Lo love and she gets better with time. She makes me want to dance and love and dance, again.

  27. Kate B says:

    Always liked the JLo movies (sweet and happy) but don’t watch a lot of regular t.v so had NO IDEA SHE WAS SO KICK ASS! Thanks for the great post.

  28. […] Bites Podcast. We covered all the really important stuff: attack goats, writers’ tricks, my J.Lo. problem, and kitchen secrets. It was a really fun time, and I’m so grateful to both those lovely […]

  29. Nishma says:

    J Lo really kicks ass in Enough! The movie got some negative reviews, but I thought it was amazing.

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